“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”
– Anne Frank

Very often during our mission to improve the world, we miss out on ourselves, and life takes reign in her able hands. To set things right. While other times, to disrupt the illusion that we have built around us for years. What comes next may not always be a pleasant sight to witness and be with.

Endless books and inspirational speeches tell us how the world that we perceive, is an inner reflection of ourselves. And I cannot agree more to this. When pushed through the trials life puts us through, our mantle is revealed. It is our own introduction to the self we had neatly concealed within the layers of masks that we had put on for years, or sometimes decades, to suit us in various situations. To an extent, that when we look at ourselves into the mirror, we seem to find a total stranger. Seldom an unfriendly face.

When our veils are taken off, without a prior warning, we find ourselves standing stark naked in front of the mirror life hold right in our face. We are forced to see things we have always found uncomfortable owning up. Being left in such a situation for a rather long time, we often come to a point where we finally sit down with ourselves and decide to take a brief look into the matters. It may take hours, day, months or sometimes even a lifetime to come to a place of acknowledgement let alone acceptance of everything that was brushed under the rug.

The year that has recently been put behind, held such a mirror into my face. Things I had been running away from (quite literally), were made to put into the same room as mine. Things I held close we abruptly taken away. And at some point I was pushed to make peace with things I literally hated about myself. All the bottled up murk chose to rise and erupt like a volcano in a rather short period of time.

It started off as any other (not-so) normal year. managing not to fall into the quicksand of despair and self pity of the December prior to that. Some long held manifestations came to fruition, only to leave me heartbroken and rather helpless. I realised how vulnerable one feels when the deepest wounds are triggered. We do tend to hold onto any and every support that we may receive. Sometimes not so good one.

Bad choices are a part of life, and however genuinely we want to, we cannot turn back time. But what we can surely do is, make peace with what has already happened. Willingly or unwillingly.

“There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.”
– J.R.R.Tolkien

After witnessing the dark side of the world, we often feel tempted to give world a taste of their own medicine. But I feel fortunate enough to have a really strong pull inside of me, that holds me back everytime I am tipping off such a cliff. I have set a reminder to myself, to reiterate time and time again, to let myself know that is not who I am. There is surely good in this world, that hold it together, and as J R R Tolkein says, it is worth fighting for.

I have my bouts of anger, at times fuming rage at how inconsiderate, or malicious people can be. It is more like an inner cry to understand what such people are made of. How can a person think so ill about others. It somewhere made me realise, the world between their ears might not really be that wonderful either. I am expected to show compassion towards them, but not always an easy task. To tell you a small secret, I am still figuring my way to that point.

For years, ‘forgiveness’ has been an enigma, that I hadn’t been able to decode. How could I possibly forgive someone who has wronged me beyond repair? Is it even humanly possible, when my core cried bitter tears and yet I am shamed into not being forgiving enough.

What last year taught me, that has been one of the mightiest lessons, that I am definitely passing on to my children is, it is okay to not forgive, immediately. Or even for a long period of time. The day this thought hit me, I felt a sudden release of pressure that had built in my heart for years. It didn’t really make me a bad person after all. It just meant, I had to give it more time, and healing to reach to a point where I could effortlessly release the bitter feeling. I learnt to acknowledge and be with the feeling of guilt, shame, gut, anger, resentment, envy and jealousy. I could use the compassion with myself, before I start showing it to the world. And if I was learning to be compassionate with myself, I am already doing good to the world.

While the madness was growing all around me, a seed had already started germinating. A sprout showed up, that I didn’t exactly remember planting into the fertile soil of my mind. It had been nurtured for a long time, without my conscious knowledge, yet what started growing was the most beautiful plant I had ever witnessed in my entire life. Somewhere deep within, I could feel a sense of power and a light that has grown in its strength. Luminous, as the way it showed up, and like a gentle breeze it filled the air around me.

I had discovered the silver lining to the never ending monsoon clouds of past year. It poured and poured, and cleansed so many remote corners of my being. I started feeling more feminine, fluid with my emotions, much more expressive than I have ever been before. I started opening my mind to realms I had only imagined in my dreams. I was starting to become learnable, and open to new knowledge. I was okay with knowing that I do not know something. And for the first time, I felt a freedom I had never experienced before. One of the most important lessons I learnt this year, was on receiving graciously, everything that came my way. The good, bad and the ugly.

I managed to keep calmer and still (with occasional breakdowns), amidst the chaos. I chose to read, learn and incorporate things that I had neglected for far too long. Major one being prioritizing my sleep. Here, I accept being arrogant all my life to be someone who managed to work effectively with minimal sleep. Being a night owl as well as an early bird! Having gone through an Architecture degree course, didn’t seem to shake off this kind of machismo of barely sleeping.

What started happening as a result of prioritizing sleep, was I have started being much more calmer, and having lesser anxious thoughts. Even though I have a long way to work with my sleep schedule, now I really pride missing out on things, just because it is my time to sleep. Trust me, I celebrated New Year Eve, in bed. (ahem! No pun intended) I was asleep!

It is beautiful, how solution to some of the biggest problems in life, are often the most simplistic. Who would’ve thought sleep was so important? I had to get more done in a matter of twenty four hours! That’s all we’ve got! We must RUN! But what I never really gave due importance to, was the way it was taking a toll on my life, if not majorly manifesting into any disease per se, but what about the weight that has been refusing to leave. But let me take this topic again in some other writeup. There is so much more to write. A lot of fascinating (read scary) stuff that happens when we are sleep deficient, even by an hour! I am already feeling sorry for my former self.

The brighter side to this is, at least NOW I know. And instead of turning Netflix on, I choose to be a part of amazing magical series, in my dreams!

Like all years, my favourite month of December, was rather kind to me. I felt much more composted and calm as compared to how the year had begun, and I choose to keep it so. There is so much joy in being cool, calm and composed, as against agitated for not being able to change things around.

My strong anchor in all this journey has been my best friends. Who chose to not entertain my complaints and sharing of low vibration feelings. And even though it did make me feel bad in that moment, I realised what a gem of a person they are, to always hold my ground when I start to wobble. I know they are sure I will gain back my composure, and so did I. With their ever continuous silent yet meaningful support, I learnt to focus on solution, rather than the problem at hand.

This year of turmoil has given me something so precious, I will treasure forlifetime a lifetime My close knit community, and those that align and eventually join us help spread the goodness around. What more does one ask for, than be surrounded by such wonderful people, who help bring out only the very best in you. Each and every day!

“Life is too short to spend your precious time trying to convince a person who wants to live in gloom and doom otherwise. Give lifting that person your best shot, but don’t hang around long enough for his or her bad attitude to pull you down. Instead, surround yourself with optimistic people.”
– Zig Ziglar