“Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.”
~Brene Brown

There are mornings when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Today being one such morning, I chose to stay in bed a little longer than usual. Being an early riser, I have always enjoyed the early morning silence before the world wakes up. But today felt odd. My stomach twisted in a knot, with an unknown kind of fear gripping me. As if being held hostage. The familiar feeling of shame washing over, making my limbs weak. Just like the endless dark night before my Thesis jury. What happened that night, still makes a chill run down my spine.

Two of the recurrent nightmares, have been appearing for board exams, and working for Architecture Final year Thesis jury. Two academic exams that have haunted me till this morning. It still feels like a miracle how I got through both the examinations. There must have been some or the other kind of Divine Interventions.

I am a firm believer of the idea, how one can solve problems in dream, as well as dreams having messages to tell. I choose not to dwell over them, but it opened up something this morning. I have been holding onto something, that needed to be released long ago. People I could let go and release. Things that have to be left behind, and not carried ahead as a burden. The need to express certain things, in itself is a sign enough that those things need a sense of completion somewhere.

I always seemed to have a lingering feeling of not being good enough at anything and everything I do. Which must be the very reason, I have tried my hands at a lot of things. Learning new things, and determined to keep improving myself. I find myself firmer on ground, but I often feel wobbly, nearly collapsing. I would have loved to say, I have it all under control. But I don’t, as yet. The constant need for improvement is not as glamorous as it seems. One definitely needs to evolve, but from a space of joy, love and laughter. Not from a sense of lack and compulsive unworthiness.

While on my journey of perfectionism, I took to some of mental extremes. Some things benefited me, for a righteous behaviour seldom has any lingering guilt for wrongdoing. But on the other side, I accept being hard on myself. Working daily, to get myself ‘ready’. I often wonder if I would make new friends and retain old, if I told to them about my daily struggles? Even after showing them how I try to embrace this glorious mess that I am.

“You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
~Brene Brown

Some things are to be dealt all by yourself, but the love and silent support of your loved ones, is all the encouragement one needs. I feel blessed to have it with me. With every waking moment, I know I am being looked after by the Divine grace. It makes me feel safe being myself, worthy of love, in spite of my imperfect life. I am an optimist, and at times find it compelling to pull myself out of a low feeling. This too, is a trained behaviour over many years, which has certainly helped me immensely.

When I know I can come home to someone who loves me regardless of my imperfections, I feel cherished. Belonging is such a primal need, one could go to any extent to gain the same. Thankfully, I just have to look within. And so do you!

The thing about delicacy of a Divine Touch is, you never feel left out of unloved, for you know you would always and forever remain God’s Divine Child. A thought that lets me sleep peacefully each night. And a thought I often look for, on waking up. Sometimes I find it instantly, while other times, I have to look a little harder.

We often read in most of the self-help literature, how accepting oneself is important, and needs to be done in order to be accepted and loved by others. Having spent countless days, months and years in building something worthwhile, it feels like an absolute joy to be rewarded through small gestures. Being deeply trusted for my character, or my intentions being received well. Not having to translate my soul. Being heard and understood, and loved so deeply. Not just for being Me, but in spite of being Me. As I start belonging to myself, I belong to this entire world. Isn’t this everything one ever lives, and strives for?!

“The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.”
~Brene Brown