“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
-C. S. Lewis

I walked back home without a friendship band that day. Back in school, Friendship Day was quite a big deal. The anticipation started building as the Sunday of August neared every year. How many friendship bracelets would I receive? Will anyone tie me one, in the first place? I’d always prepare handmade bands, and post them to my pen-pals. Growing up a classic introvert with barely any friends, has a downside on days like these, when you had to display your popularity. Worse, people’s love for you. My best friend was in a different school, and I was an outsider in my new school. Who befriends a stranger?

I learnt too soon in life, to be a people pleaser and lay myself flat on the floor for people to enjoy walking all over me. They seemed to be happy around me, for I unknowingly made them feel stronger than me. Earning credibility in a friendship was never about similar likes or deep bonds. I often failed to strike deep connects with people. Friendship isn’t exactly necessary, one can always choose to be by themselves. But as I grew up, I have often attracted friendships that ended up betraying me. Or let me put it in this way, I felt betrayed. It was quite late in life, I realised it was nothing to do with them, but me. I was my only problem. I brought about the betrayal in people. Eagerly helped them betray me in beautiful ways. Each one unique than before, following a precious lesson. Yet, following a pattern.

I remember one particular call that left me seriously disturbed, for knowing my bending backwards for my ‘friend’ had helped me lose my credibility. Sure my friend was initially judged by me, but turned out I was the one who got judged instead. A picture too raw before my blurry eyes. For often we pour our blood, sweat and tears into friendships that leave you just with those. Blood, sweat and tears.

As Jim Rohn quoted “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”, which I rather learnt early in life, yet applied way later. If I felt bad for being judged by my friend’s character, that indeed was the right thing to be done. I was judgmental myself. I sure was vibrating at their level somewhere. When I began to see this ultimate truth, I was the one who started taking strict steps to move out of the quick sand I had fallen into.

I started wondering where am I putting in my ultimate time efforts and at times money? The five people with whom I’m spending so much time with, are they good for my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health? If answer to any one of those was a no, I had to literally kick myself out of the situation. Needless to say, I’ve spent years being extremely lonely, crying myself to sleep each night, for I didn’t seem to have anyone close to whom I could share my deepest feelings. I definitely slacked every once in a while, falling into yet another bottomless pit, and running back to save myself again.

The ordeal was too much to take, for I started feeling the mirth people seemed to enjoy from my misery. To help them stay close, I had myself continue putting into it over and over again. These topics, something I’d usually never talk about, feel important to be voiced out, for each one of us seem to do it at least in some or the other relationship. It might purely be a sympathy seeking behaviour. Could be interpreted as a cry for love. And, love you shall receive, the moment you step out of that relationship.

I have spent a lifetime walking on eggshells, never to disturb the other’s peace, while tossing my own straight out of the window. And then spending nights after nights wallowing in my own pain. If I must accept now, I was addicted to the suffering. A classic behaviour, that can sooner or later blossom into a mild Stockholm syndrome. Let us not get there right now.

There is always a turning point in everyone’s life, and certain things that we often take for granted, show up their ugly face when it gets worse, and kicks you into the corner. Mine was failure. Failing in college examination, in few subjects. Something unheard of, in my academic life. Even though I have never been a topper, I wasn’t considered a failure either. It felt like a slap across my face, to see F before a few subjects. The leeching out my energy had spilled over at places, I’d hate to see it so. It was time to gather my shit for once, and set things straight for good. Not having healthy boundaries in life, costs way too much than we could ever grasp.

It demanded me to break ties with a lot of behaviours in myself. I worked really hard to get my grades high and for the first time, enjoyed the process, and going to college. Spirituality had recently stepped into my life, and guess I had started to develop a new friendship. I could see happiness and what I’d see as success, rise at the horizon.

“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.”
– Oscar Wilde

As if a raid was laid, innumerable people were unveiled, and I can safely accept now, it hurt. It hurt really bad. But I was developing a friendship. A deep friendship with myself, and with my beloved dog. Who had actually been by my side all this while, being the most patient ear to every tear.

To help me sail through the turbulent waters, I developed a really strong friendship with a person, who felt like the elder brother I never had. Someone I could run to, in times of distress, and when I needed to hear words I couldn’t say to myself. The year of turbulence had stepped in. They say, before getting better, life seems to fall apart, to help you rise again. The old energies are clearing around, and you’re handheld to a higher dimension.

Sure it sounds all mighty and wonderful to read stories of people rising like a phoenix bird, from ashes. But when you’re getting the feeling of burning down into ashes, that’s not exactly the picture you’d want to see around you. Long story short, my life was a mess.

With this new best friend of mine, I’d wait to share what happened at college. To share each and every blog post with him, so he could share some insights on improving and point out any typos that I need to correct, before sharing it with anyone else. I was eager to attend his wedding the winter, following year. After all, he was going to marry my childhood friend. The picture was way too sweet to ever be tarnished. I knew deep within, they both adored me as their little sister.

My perfect picture came crashing down, at the news of his demise. You best friend cannot die. I could exchange the news for anything else in life. Surprisingly I never shed a tear over that news. Everything went into blur the moment that news hit my ear. My childhood friend didn’t know how to console me, for I definitely looked composed on the surface. I failed to express my grief that day, and till this moment as I’m writing this.

With him leaving my life without the slightest of warning, I literally was shaken awake from a daze. I felt the fragility of life. How each day counts, for we never know when would it be the last moment with the person we’re with. Holding grudges could hold you back for years as the lump in your throat. Holding back stubborn tears. Following my best friends footsteps, my beloved dog left me soon thereafter. The pain seemed unbearable for my heart to hold within. And I must have cried the most amount of tears in my entire life, to fill up all the voids, bitterness of all the friendships that left behind.

It was now my turn to imagine myself a phoenix, and rise from ashes. Whatever that followed that year, is a story for some other day, but the one thing I wish to point here is, not to overlook our innate need to strike meaningful connections. Even though short lived, the kind of friendship I developed, trumped every other prior to it. As if he came into my life to show me the meaning of what true friendship and support feels like. I was shown what a blessing of a friendship I truly deserved, that truly sparked joy within me.

From the extreme introvert that I’ve been in past, I feel now I can literally walk up to any stranger on the street, and walk back home with a friend. I enjoy smiling at strangers, striking conversations at public places. I absolutely enjoy being a friendly person. And yes, I’m still very much an introvert.

Last night, as I lay in my bed, texting my childhood friend, who too has witnessed our friendship over past two decades, and the ones around us undergo beautiful transformations. Along with us, the maturity in our friendly relations have matured as well. I feel so grateful to have someone so close, for being an integral part of my life. She is definitely the one I run to, to show my articles, and get inputs and feedback.

I have always cherished developing friendships that run deep, and spill into families, where I would spend vacations together, with our better halves and later, with our beautiful children. During these years, to share the dream, I effortlessly gravitated towards me, some beautiful souls who share and keep up with all my quirks and craziness, laughter and joys. Over the years, along with me, my friendships have bloomed like the wildflowers, that William Wordsworth exclaimed in his poems. Ten thousand all at once.

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”
– Victor Hugo