“You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don’t work out in life, they work out on stage.”
-Gabriel Iglesias

The loud applause echoed into my ears, as I walked down from the stage, completing my presentation, exactly a year ago. Back on my seat in the front row, I couldn’t help but think back to the days when I have gone extreme limits to avoid being in limelight or on stage. I probably had Glossophobia, or speech anxiety.

Back in school, I had always been a timid shy little girl. Avoiding being seen. Being an outsider was a stamp I carried throughout the ten years of school life. I never belonged there. I lacked confidence, considered having extremely poor English speaking skills, and carried extremely low self esteem.

Life still went pretty well, because every child need not speak in front of class, let alone speaking in the assembly. I vividly remember the day, when I got to know I was nominated to become the house prefect in school. I must be thirteen then. I was beyond thrilled to get an opportunity to be a leader, for I have always looked up to them. My school idol was a prefect, and she was perfect. I always wanted to be smart and dashing like her. It all came crashing down, when I was told to prepare a campaign speech for my campaign, to let the other students know who I was, and why I deserved to be the house prefect they’d be proud of.

The idea of standing in front of unknown students and speaking gave me jitters. Being an introvert didn’t seem to help either. I prepared a small speech, and practiced it in front of the mirror at home. This was an absolute alien experience, and I continued to feel excited to go for it, how much ever it scared me. I had big plans in my head, to bring in reforms and what not. Back home, I was learning new ideas and they demanded a platform to be expressed.

The D-Day arrived. I dressed up well, in my house uniform and was all set to take a leap of faith. I realised how innately competitive I was to want to win with greater number of votes, against my opponent. We were asked to gathered in one place, and were asked to go and start the campaign in various classes. Till the senior most students in the tenth standard. Everyone went for the campaign with their friends. Something I was devoid of. I felt a feeling of defeat rise in my body. The mere idea of number of students, and double the eyes in my direction made my skin crawl. My stomach twisted into a knot and my knees buckled, as I stood at the door of the first class I was about to enter. A division of class 10th. The moment I went and stood in front of extremely tall students, I could feel my gut fall down to the floor. I managed to blurt out something, which till date remains like a hazed memory. What stays fresh, was what happened the very next moment. The entire class of rowdy kids heckled me, and I literally ran out of the class hiding my tears and burying my face in utmost shame. I probably wanted to jump off the roof that very moment.

Shame has been a constant companion all my life. Until recently, that I’ve managed to start sitting down with the emotion, and finally start to deal with it. That day, I hid myself in the bathroom, until the campaign timing was over. And quietly went to my class, as if nothing happened. The day of election, I probably must have been the only one who voted for me. My best friend was in a different house, and she was a nominee herself. The results were out, and it is a no brainer, that I did not win. My opponent was an extremely outgoing, teacher’s pet who would always stand up and answer in class. She must have found it quite thrilling to go and speak in different classes. That year started off on a really wrong foot, and continued to go haywire in days, weeks months and years to come. School memories always feel dreadful.

In spite of not being the prefect, I ended up getting another opportunity at public speaking, when I was appointed to speak on my house’s behalf in the weekly assembly. Forget the class of students, there was going to be entire school, multiplied by two number of eyes looking in my direction. The thought was terrifying. And of course you guessed it right, I prepared for it, rehearsed in front of the mirror and was absolutely ready not to miss school that day. But fear crept in, and I wanted to give up, and miss school. Turns out, my mother was a teacher, and she knew I was not unwell, plus a 100% attendee, I had to attend school. AND inform the house teacher I wasn’t going to speak that day, as I wasn’t prepared. The words my most favourite teacher spoke that way felt my spirit crushing between my clenched teeth. I burned with shame, for being called out in the assembly. And was told my house would lose precious points all because of my incapability to speak in front of the assembly. I wanted the earth to break open and swallow me in.

Thereon, I missed any and every opportunity, to miss talking in front of class. I never opted to learn music, because being someone who looks at the end success result, I felt terrifying to be on stage and performing. This time singing! No! that was never going to happen.

Around the same time, my mother enrolled me in a theatre workshop, where I was to learn basics of dramatics. The group was small, and I saw so many others like me, who also felt uncomfortable to speak in front of others. I still remember the song I sang in front of the small group, on the very first day of introduction. Till date, it remains one of my fondest memory, to be applauded and being told I sing well. Better so, if I’d manage to keep my eyes open, while in front of people. YES! I had closed my eyes and sang the song.

I had always been participating in group dances, and the stage was never really a novelty. Needless to say, in spite of being good at dancing, I was never quite the main dancer. Frankly, I loved to not be in limelight. But ask me to be alone, I was in cold sweat. Same went for theatre, drama shows. I was never quite the only one on stage, ever. Even back in school, I participated in street play activity around the same time, and had started to love opening up. As also making new friends, apart from my batch mates.

Growing up, listening to and admiring speakers, and thought leaders, I always fancied being one of them. Being able to stand in front of an audience, share my story, make a point. Be heard. But my stage fright always hindered, between my dreams and me. My legs would go limp like thin noodles, and fall in my shoes.

I was encouraged by a few friends during Jagriti Yatra, to join a public speaking forum, by the name Toastmasters Club, to learn the skill. To which I did attend a meeting, and was suddenly asked to come forth and speak in front of a crowd of strangers and present a topic that was given to me on the spot. I enjoyed speaking to unknown faces, and put forth my ideas. Interestingly, I was awarded the best speaker that day. I was beyond thrilled.

Few years ago, at my Yoga school with hundreds of strangers, from various countries across the world, I decided to take a leap of faith. No one knew me, and I was any personality I chose to put up. What a crazy idea that was! I put in my name as a performer for the weekly talent show, on the first Saturday evening. I chose to sing. I chose to sing a song, in front of an audience of about 400 (multiplied by two eyes).

My name was called, and I walked up to the stage, with the microphone in one shaky hand, and my diary with lyrics in the other. My body trembled, absolutely out of sync with my trembling hands. Add to it my stomach which chose to permanently sit in a huge knot. To make things worst, my mouth failed to open. Can you believe? I was experiencing lockjaw. Everyone waited in anticipation of what was happening before their eyes. I still don’t know how and what happened next. But I sang the song. Heard one of the most deafening applause in my whole life, as I walked back and sat down my place. Some foreigners congratulated me for my singing skills and told me I had a beautiful voice. I felt it was all a beautiful dream, I’d wake up from. But it stayed. And it continues to stay in one of the brightest corner of my heart.

Putting myself in front of people, even to do the right thing, has been quite terrifying for various reasons. But from the few experiences of actually doing it, I realise, every next time you step onto the stage, it gets a little easier than the last time. As I look back now, the major gap I believe was the lack of skills to know how to speak in public. We were never taught the art of public speaking, which I believe is so essential. Even in a team, where you have to present your project, or convince a client with your idea. You need the presentation and also persuasion/marketing skills. And skills could very well be taught.

Today, as I chose to write on this topic, closest to my heart, I recalled my days at Dr. B. N. College of Architecture. My beloved institution celebrates Silver Jubilee today, and I feel it is right time to share my deepest gratitude towards my college, to have given me one of the most invaluable skill, I would continue to hone. The skill to talk in front of an audience. May it be the most disliked group project presentations, or case study reports, or settlement study presentations. I enjoyed making, and presenting them all. While others in my groups chose not to speak, I realised, they too by not speaking up, helped me speak over and over again every single time. It all counts. Adventures and the misadventures.

Last year, on our college’s foundation day, I was given the opportunity to present my work in front of Alumni professors and everyone present. Having chosen the career of a Workshop Leader, addressing an audience has become a part of life. Yet, every time I know I have to talk in front of a crowd, I invariably step into the shoes of the thirteen year old me. I have created a ritual, to change my shoes, and gather a little more courage each time to stand and speak up for myself, in spite of the pause fillers, I adorn my talk with.

I know, life would have been extremely different, had I managed to learn the skill back in school, before my election campaign. I might have been the house prefect. Maybe even the head girl of the school, and learn some extra leadership skills. But some lessons have their perfect timings. It is necessary to take the detour to the present moment, through the wilderness. I enjoy speaking, for the mere joy of sharing my stories and what I learnt on my way. The seeming failures are the ones that help me stand firm on my feet, wobble free.

“I feel like when I’m on stage and when I’m performing – or I think when anybody is developing their talents and sharing it – I think you glow.”
-Lindsey Stirling