“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
-Marilyn Monroe

Last evening, I was searching though one of my old hard drives, looking for an old college project. An hour in, I didn’t realise when I drifted looking into old albums. Almost about a decade old. My life had taken a turn I wouldn’t have imagined in my wildest dreams. My weight loss journey had started off. I subconsciously put the techniques I’ve been reading about in self-help books about Law of Attraction, self-care, self-love, over the past many years, into real action. In retrospective, I see it happen so effortlessly, that I never gave myself enough credit, for what all I have achieved in these years. So finally I decide to open up on this topic. To take this opportunity to pat my back and help inspire my further journey, for I still have a long way to go.

Unfortunately I used to be too embarrassed to click full length photos back then, so there are only close ups for comparison. So, these photos are about 8 years apart (left side being the older ones). During this time, I have lost about 25 kg (50-52 lbs). And ever since, have kept them off. I’ve been taking inspired actions during this time (mostly no real physical action as such). A lot of vibrational and mindful maneuvering in my lifestyle. I can now safely say, the 25 kg have come off, being seen as a couch potato. wink wink

Life felt like massive tectonic movements under my feet, when I walked out of a toxic relationship. I had spent a lifetime feeling like the ugliest person in the room. It got washed onshore with one of the most powerful waves I had ever experienced in my life. It felt all the more heightened while I was in that relationship. I felt worse each passing day. About myself. About life. Fast forward to this day, I’m at a much better place in every aspect possible. The kind of person, I always looked up to and needed the most, lay just beneath what met my eye.

Soon, I found myself doing things that I really enjoyed. Things which really inspired me. After some more groundbreaking, nerve wrecking events, I decided to take a year off college. Took Fine Arts lessons where I loved going. Travelled extensively in India. Took a solo trip to London and then Pondicherry. Most importantly, I cut all ties with the toxic people who surrounded me. I was mindfully changing the energy around me in a very strong way. Which meant my circle changed 99%. (You can’t get rid of your relatives, can you?)

Due to some suggestions from a nutritionist, I was a strict Vegan for a year. The ideal 6 meals a day kind of prescription, which I can now openly accept, I never even once followed. I hated someone dictate what I should or should not eat. And as expected, I soon lost the inspiration and went back to being Lacto-vegetarian (as the Ayurveda prescribes). And immediately felt a surge of peace within me. I’ve never identified myself as a gourmand. Or an obsessive unhealthy eater. My tiny portion sizes would startle people, looking at my bulky body.

During this time, I turned to writing extensively. More than a reader, I have always been an avid writer. Now when I look back, I have beautiful fat diaries, filled with immense wisdom I have gained about the world around and within me. The old ones, that became a home for the negativity, found their way into the flames. It felt extremely liberating and an enriching experience, in learning to let go. I particularely remember falling sick at that time. The purging was in full bloom.

I have watched The Secret movie at least a hundred times till date. One of my most favourite things has always been, making and keeping a Vision Board around me. My room proudly flaunts a huge extremely vibrant vision board. I love tweaking it every now and then whenever I am inspired to do so. This part of the process has given me immense pleasure. Seeing the things on my board take shape in real life has been a heartening experience. The magic continues. 😍

To centre my energies, I chose to remain single for all this while. Though I did come across many amazing men, who often seemed like a residues of one or the other aspect of the initial toxic one. I know I deserve a wonderful person to share my life with. (I’m still clearing some space in that avenue). I started to keep myself away from visiting places and meeting people who drained my energy like vampires. They are strictly not allowed in my energy territory. These days they are nowhere in sight.

One main thing I would love to mention is, I have started to draw boundaries around me. With all the more love and compassion towards myself and my needs. This has been the hardest part, and this is still ongoing. I have been a person who survived on pleasing people around me, by letting them walk all over me and my needs. Standing up for myself, and saying no, felt like a lump in my throat. Something that happened just last week, when I found myself in a situation I would have easily avoided, had I been more present to myself and my needs. Once in a while I find myself in a suffocating situation like these, which would have completely avoided with a simple use of a sentence, “No.” (Which drives me bonkers at times). Some lessons are meant to be learnt over and over, thoroughly.

In the plight to get ‘healthy’, I landed in a Yoga class. Just two days into it, I faced with something that turned my world upside down, yet again, when I got seriously injured. Ever since, I had an intense love-hate relationship with Yoga (asanas). One of the most painful Yogic injuries (you may ask anyone who has ever hurt an internal muscle) I have ever incurred, which I’d never even hope for my enemies. With almost two months of absolute bed rest, I was determined to deal with the pain, sans painkillers whatsoever. I’m quite a stubborn soul. Surprisingly enough, I completed Yoga Teacher’s Training Course two years ago, and became an internationally certified Hatha Yoga Teacher. Something I definitely did not imagine doing in my wildest dreams, yet, had it in my bucket list for ages. It helped me gain further insight into my mind, body and soul and had an increased access to further wisdom of the world. I’m really happy with my progress so far. I have been regularly meditating for past 8 years, never missing even a single day, for this one is my non-negotiable practice of the day. It is the most sacred time during the day, which helps me to heal as well as grow in ways even I have never imagined. The way our mind and body get flexible with the touch of Yoga and meditation, is something one must experience at least once in their lives. Pure bliss.

Recently, I have started leaning towards Minimalism. I have been a hoarder all my life, and the very idea of minimalism, seems overwhelming for people like me. Maybe it runs in my genes, but this is where it shall run out. I have started to understand that in order to be happy, one need not accumulate a lot of stuff. Excess weight included. Along with that, I have also accepted that, one isn’t necessarily a bad person if they give away something they do not need, like or use. Discarding stuff gives me great amount of anxiety, and I am still trying to set into the process. Seeking joy, in the things I keep. So far so good. (will save the joyous proceedings for another article).

The journey is ongoing, and now even though I still have a certain number in my mind, I know I will identify it better with the bodily emotions, rather than the numbers on the scale. We need to always re-calibrate ourselves, with our North always pointing towards our innate joy.

I’ve tried to keep myself focused on taking inspired actions all this while. And surely have slacked many times during this process. I find my skin, mind and heart clearer, and feeling all the more radiant than ever before. I got back in touch with my feminine energies, and felt all the more love and compassion within me. Nowadays, I always find myself working towards fine turning with my energies. Every time I come across a roadblock, I remind myself to love more and more each day. Which I have been learning to do in small day-to-day practices. That includes starting the meal with blessing the food before eating. Eating silently and mindfully. Exercising regularly. It all feels like the next inspired action, and I thoroughly enjoy any bodily movement. As far as food is concerned, I feel anything that is cooked and eaten with love, benefits the body. It may even be a slice of the cheesiest pizza devoured with joy. Having a lot of fun and joy during the process is the key. If eating unhealthy food makes you feel guilty, eat what you feel is healthy. It really is that simple.

Before I end this, one of the many books that has been by my side, and has inspired me to give up all the medicines for past 13+ years is ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ by Louise L. Hay. Besides facing extreme migraine attacks, and the Yogic Injury, I have rarely had any other health condition. Body’s intelligence, thoughts and emotions are always taking care of me (as does it takes me on a ride once in a while!. LOL

Being a highly sensitive person comes with its perks, as also some downsides. You feel everything ever so deeply. A critical comment could leave you devastated for many years. I can still vividly remember some comments, as if shot at me just a moment ago. Here, I want to take a moment to speak a little about body positivity. It is often seen, that the overweight persons, often are on the sensitive side of the spectrum. Often are the butt of jokes, and strictly expected to take it lightly, for others never mean to hurt them, do they? Asking an overweight person to ‘just’ lose weight, so that they’d look good, is probably the worst advise ever. Having gone through so many interesting ups and downs, and gazillions of hurtful comments, I can say one thing for sure, body shaming is wrong. I live by it, and make sure I avoid any comment to someone on their appearance that they cannot change (well, understanding epigenetics prove this statement of mine utterly wrong). But let’s talk about general public here. Being called out for being overweight is a blessing in disguise. Take it as someone redirecting you to a healthier lifestyle. A mindset shift that you have been stubbornly avoiding to do. Expecting others to love you the way you are, while you continue berating yourself. The critics are realists in our life, which show us things in our life, we are blinded at. We need to value them. I secretly share good vibes to anyone who has deeply hurt me by calling me by names which were rounded off at the edges, which just meant plain fat.

I have come to accept and appreciate what the nature has given me. This has given me immense confidence in my being and bringing me all the more closer to myself. I have started admiring my broad toothy smile, black eyes, brownish straight hair and a curvy figure. We’re often not happy with what the nature has given us, and covet something which the someone else has. The grass seems to be greener on the other side, but we forget to notice that the variety of the grass differs, as there are so many more beautiful shades of green. Loving and tending our own garden is an invitation for flowers to bloom, butterflies to flutter and birds to sing. Unless we love ourself with all the flaws, we cannot feel open and receptive to the beautiful love that resides deep within us, and awaits us from people around.

This blogpost, is definitely stepping out of my comfort zone, opening up a little bit about my personal journey, into embracing my physical body on depths unknown prior to it. My heart feels lighters and joyful to share the love that I feel. (Hope to keep writing about so many more things in detail soon.)

All is well in my world. And so it is. 💜

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”
-Audrey Hepburn