“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
– Rumi

A topic I have romanticized over since childhood, so very close to my heart. It feels as if yesterday, when I had chills down my spine when I watched Titanic on the big screen. It was spellbinding. Not for the magnificence of the sets and the grandeur of the luxurious ship, but the love that ran through it all. The kind of eternal love I have always desired, even as a young child.

I would often fantasize about getting married to the love of my life, and living happily ever after. I have had a decent dose of Romantic Comedy movies all throughout my life, till last evening. I’ve always been a firm believer in the mad, passionate and extraordinary love, that I’ve seen on screen and read in novels. Anything less than that has never been acceptable. I surely deserve the best.

The journey seeking for the soul mate of my dreams, has taken a life of its own. While looking for my better half, I started discovering my part of half. Something that has went immensely missing on this endeavour to look through the world to seek one true love.

We hear people talk a lot about loving ourselves, before we give out love to someone else. The concept has been overused so many times, that I wonder if eligible marriageable candidates of my generation think of giving this idea even a fleeting thought. Why do we feel like marrying someone? Societal pressure? Or pressure from the families? Or biological clock ticking away? Or simply to add some excitement in life? I’ve often had the answer vague, whenever I’ve tried asking this question to anyone before, including myself. If not for love, why would I want to marry anyone?

I feel I am a researcher at heart, and the whole idea of romantic love, has gotten me to learn a little, around making marriages work. And not just work out well, but thrive, blossom and thoroughly enjoy. Alike many of you, I haven’t exactly grown up watching exceptional happy joyful marriages around. I have also had my share of witnessing some bitter divorces, and the repercussions of the same. And still I have always been a firm believer in, happily ever afters.

“When we are in love we seem to ourselves quite different from what we were before.”
— Blaise Pascal

I have been reading a lot about how males and females approach life in their own unique ways. How diversely beautiful and magnificent masculine and feminine energies are. What keeps each one sane in their own way, in daily life, and hence as a couple. The love languages we all communicate in. The way our genes dictate our behaviours and even words and actions. The way limiting beliefs raise their heads once we cross a threshold in an argument. In fact, how arguments work about. How mindset around finances and health affect the overall dynamics and so on. The more I’ve been learning, the more fascinating this gets.

Being social animals, humans crave deeper connections. Besides the true connection or relationship with oneself, I truly believe romantic relationships, especially in context with marriage, your spouse is the single most important relationship in this world. I have given this idea enough amount of thought, and continue to believe so. You deserve the experience of finding heaven on Earth, and I feel that is possible to everyone, willing to do their inner work on their own selves. So that we dont spew our malfunctioning reactions, onto our beloved one.

While we’re always on the lookout for love, and when we feel we have found The One, we smother them with so much love, and create them as the centre of our Universe, and at worst times even mother them, keep stalking them endlessly and demanding clarifications every now and then. To a point of suffocation. As if they are always and forever entitled and answerable to us. The interesting thing I have observed is, having our individual lives kept vibrantly alive, not doing each and every activity with our partners, helps. The partnership that grows and thrives, and not always driven maniac over the fear of losing them. We always feel drawn towards people who are happy and radiant in their own being, and they surely are looking for the same. If we lack the essence of life in us, how do we share our physical, emotional and mental space with someone else? As we learn to love, how do we learn to receive love in return?

Our upbringing affects a major part of our life. The one that we received from your parents or primary caretakers. The more I think of it, the more I realise how we’ve picked up beliefs and ideas growing up. Especially about love, relationships, romance and marriage and sex. Most of which are rarely openly discussed in families. We pick up things as children, from what we observe around. Even when words haven’t been exchanged, a lot is learnt in verbal silence. We learn volumes via non verbal communication. Most often than not, we pick up fears, that lug behind us into our adult life. Show up their faces, when we’re out to find a suitor for us.

There has been a phase, when I was hell bent to improve myself and be the best version. I worked in every aspect possible to improve myself, and soon thereafter came home to a realisation that nearly shook me. What was I trying to achieve? Moreover, where was I acting from? Extreme lack, and fear. Fear of rejection. Fear that had crippled me for years, and I have been fanning those flames by attempting to put blood sweat and tears in improving myself. What if I already was the best version of myself in that very moment? Maybe I just needed some time and attention from myself. While I have considered myself being a snob around for all this while, what if all I have been craving for, has always been deeper connection with someone? I even reached a point of choosing to remain single all my life, but that was catching hold of another extreme end. Just the fear of getting hurt, had kept me away from making myself be absolutely vulnerable and loveable with the man I would be crazy about. How about experiencing extreme passion, that you have never felt before for any of your crushes? You wanting to become the best version of yourself, out of immense inspiration, and not out of lack or fear of rejection. Making love, because you passionately love that person, and not just because you’re physically designed to do so. Wanting to settle down, because you have found home in another person. Where you’d want to return to each day. Moreover, discovering a precious treasure of a beautiful mind, whose map you have carried all along.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
– Lao Tzu