“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” 
~Khalil Gibran

It felt like any other monsoon afternoon. The intense pain of the recent events felt heavy on my chest. Being diligent in applying each and every learning into my being, I could still feel an immense need for deeper healing. I could feel many parts of myself wail with pain, while the rain poured outside. The journal in my lap, and the pen in my hand refused to dance together and a sense of gloom washed over, in a matter of moments. Past few nights I’ve been having vivid dreams, that seemed to accelerate my healing process. I was being put into the fast lane, and here I sat trying to catch up energetically to the madness around. All in all it felt quite exhausting.

There seemed to be far too many places bleeding. I couldn’t decide which one to start from. The wounds seemed to have grown deeper with time, and all the ‘time heals’ theory went straight into the bin. Time doesn’t do shit. You have to wriggle your own ass and save yourself. I was aware of this fact, and still am willing to take all the reigns in my hand. But the horses seemed to be running in all possible directions, pulling me apart. The only thing I’d hope for was something that’d numb this pain. Finish it once and for all. It had been far too long to have been carrying it on. I really felt like giving up.

I’ve managed to awaken a wise old self within me, who always holds my ground. Especially when I start to go astray. Even now, she took charge and sat me down. Like a sweet loving mother, caring for her beloved child. She sat me down, and held me close. The touch averse, felt a growing warmth within. I probably do not know what being held feels like. It is too alien a concept to hold. But this wise woman always always has my back, when I’m a young hurting child. At almost thirty, it feels ridiculous, to experience getting into the teenage-rebel mode. Worse, a toddler-tantrum mode. Moreover, being a Teacher of Love, I often have an inner conflict to have sorted it all. But the wise woman always reminds me to take a step back. Let myself heal, by looking deep within. For through my healing, I lay a path. A path that may help others seek their own light.

The array of issues that lay behind my smile for decades seem overwhelming at times. My chest burns to seal it all up. Tightly locked within. But day by day, I’m embracing vulnerability coupled with immense courage, to open up a little more at a time. The love that I so easily give away, is finally finding space within me. For all that love to reside in me, the pain and fear shall move aside. I still remember a particular comment from a coach being concerned as to where do we start my healing. To which I only had managed to smile halfheartedly. Now, I feel I have an answer. I have always intended to write, since I was a young child. Concealing all of my true self and my opinions, I could barely manage to pen down the entire truth. My dear diary was my only solace. Which later found their way into the flames.

Some stories are meant to be expressed for self, not shared. While the rest, demand a clear and loud expression. The social media often misguides us into believing how everyone else’s life, besides yours, is well lit up and in glory. While yours is a sob story. Let me tell you here, I haven’t figured it out as yet. Not even close. But let me assure one thing, for I’m determined to grow, rise and soar. And no, pain cannot possibly hold me back anymore. Pain shall cease to exist at all. Pain is as much as what you’re willing to endure. The only way out is through, is true. We can enjoy our journey within. Pain is often about our reaction, than response. Looking for the silver lining, on the grey clouds. When we separate ourselves and look towards the ongoing ‘not-so-happy situation, we may either choose to learn what it has to say, or continue enjoying the pain and dismay.

The mere belief that good grows out of pain and turmoil, is in itself an open invitation for much more pain. We receive, what we seek. For the fear of pain, shall beget much more fear and pain. Life is often lived well with lights in our home, and welcome board at the door. The home shall have two open arms welcoming you, to feel warm. A loving heart, to give you courage to start. Let us join our hands, look up to the vast skies, above our sparkling eyes. Be grateful, and invite joy.

“When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.”
~Tony Robbins